The Psychology of People-Pleasing and How to Unlearn It
Everyone has basic needs that deserve to be met at all times. However, people who struggle with people-pleasing often have difficulty seeing their own needs as important as those of others. People-pleasing is developed as a survival strategy, not as a flaw or shortcoming. These traits are often rooted in underlying feelings of low self-worth and a fear of losing meaningful connections.
What Is a People-Pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who prioritizes the needs of others over the needs of their own. When someone is classified as a people-pleaser, they oftentimes have a difficult time saying no, oftentimes agree to things that they don’t actually agree to, avoid conflict, and apologize when they are not at fault. As we mentioned previously, these traits are not character flaws.
The Psychology Behind People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is a challenging thing to work through because it is deeply rooted within the person’s psyche. When someone experiences people-pleasing, they are likely doing so based on several factors. The first being that people-pleasers fear being rejected or abandoned. When someone struggles with people-pleasing, disapproval can feel like danger. People-pleasing is also deeply rooted in low self-worth and the seeking of external validation. When someone struggles with people-pleasing, these struggles often attach to self-esteem.
How People-Pleasing Affects Self-Worth
People-pleasing affects self-worth because people begin to abandon their own needs and desires for others. When someone struggles with people-pleasing, they will likely also struggle with self-trust. Over time, people-pleasers begin to internalize the belief that their needs are too much or don’t matter.
How to Unlearn People Pleasing
People who struggle with people-pleasing likely also struggle with emotional boundaries and assertiveness. Assertiveness is a powerful form of communication that can be difficult for people-pleasers to navigate. Being assertive is not mean but important to maintain boundaries that protect the well-being of all parties in the relationship. Emotional boundaries are important to understanding that taking care of our own needs must come first. When people are unlearning people-pleasing behaviors, they will often feel guilty after saying no. This does not mean that they are wrong; it’s just an example of how deeply these issues are rooted. Another way that people can start to unlearn people-pleasing is to reconnect with their own needs. People can try identifying their own personal values and try scheduling activities that include them.
People-pleasing is a learned behavior that developed for specific reasons. Unlearning people-pleasing is important for the person’s safety and well-being, but it’s not about being selfish. People who struggle with people-pleasing can work through reframing assertiveness as a way to preserve connection, not bring danger to it. It’s important for people-pleasers to remember that their needs are not too much or invalid. They are just as valid as everyone else’s needs. When people unlearn people-pleasing, they will need to work through strengthening their self-worth and taking care of their own needs. This can be challenging, but it is always worth the effort. Everyone’s needs are valid, even if they don’t always feel that way.
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References
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12318589/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12379063/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5868552/
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0305750X23000037
Keywords: people-pleaser, self-worth, assertiveness, emotional boundaries